Some days i looked at the people around me and wonder what are they feeling? At times i feel like an emotional crippled and other days i feel way too much for way too many things. I am an impractical being living a practical life right now. I have little pockets of mental oasis where i did not have to attend to the menial thoughts of my life. Like when i lie in bed with a trashy romance novel. Like when i go for oil painting lessons. Like when i stand by the dresser rubbing ruski's tummy. Mostly alone. With a cat. Perhaps that's how my life should be. Forget about work. Forget about relationships. Forget about responsibilities. Just my cat and me and a couple of books. Living each moment as if its an eternity. Somedays, it is an eternity. Felt like both purgatory and hell, yet strangely calm either way. Never heaven. Hardly blissful. Just silent and calm. Almost like a sense of suspension.

Its hard to articulate this. What i do know is that there are times when i am indifferent and upon looking back, that disturbed me. Being indifferent. Sometimes i just want to get the energy up to feel fury and anger. Or to be depressed. Or outrageously happy. I fear being indifferent. I only hope those periods doesn't last long. I don't want to feel drained. I also don't want to feel as if i am missing something in life. These things crisscrosses my mind here and there. Somedays, i just retreat into it and feel buried. Other days i would be indifferent to such thoughts and breeze right through them. Mostly, i am living my practical life, impractically.

Something oughta give. Someday.